My place to come have a nice cup of mocha, and share what I feel God has put on my heart. Feel free to share my blog and posts with others or on other sites if you'd like. Wanting to share God's love with as many as possible. :)
Saturday, April 25, 2020
Dianne's Mocha Loft: I am writing this over 5.5 years after my last blo...
Dianne's Mocha Loft: I am writing this over 5.5 years after my last blo...: I am writing this over 5.5 years after my last blog post on here. So much has happened since then. Since then... Life has knocked ...
I am writing this over 5.5 years after my last blog post on here. So much has happened since then.
Since then...
Life has knocked me down more than a few times. And it has definitely shown me things I never wanted to see. Sometimes the eyes only see what the eyes want to see. But a bitter reality can sure tear those blinders off in an instant. And once they are off you have no choice but to see what was in front of you all along. All of the little things my mind knew didn't make sense, but brushed aside because the knowledge of what was going on was just too painful for a heart that just wanted to love and be loved.
Once that revelation began was the day I met my ex-husband for the first time, the man behind the mask I thought I had known for the last 8 years. I had seen a glimpse of that person behind a crack here and there. But I didn't think it was really him. You know how you think... he must just be having a bad day, he didn't really mean it like that, or maybe I just took it the wrong way. Exactly what a narcissist wants you to think. He can in fact orchestrate those feelings in you before you realize what's going on. You become his puppet, a part of his show. He is the writer, producer, main character, the good guy, and sometimes even the villian. All others are extras. They aren't around for the whole play and don't see everything. They are just there when needed. In fact you aren't around when not needed either. He has a stand in ready to fill your shoes. If those shoes fit better you may be replaced. Leave the show before it's over and he will come up with a whole new script, in which he will play the victim of course. If you get a fingernail into one of those cracks in his mask and expose the evil face behind it, watch out. It's in that moment that you will find out just what he is capable of.
If you have found yourself involved with one of these people I would urge you to get away from him/her as soon as possible. What they are doing to you is abuse. Even if they don't lay a finger on you physically they are bruising up your heart and soul, which I believe is far more damaging. And even if you do think it is okay to stay as long as there is no physical violence... It took 8 years before my ex-husband left a physical bruise on me. And you know, when I think of the abuse he put me through, it usually isn't the physical violence my thoughts go to. It is the raised voice, demeaning tone, belittling remarks, lies, cheating, mind games, etc. All those come to mind before a bruise on the skin. Those always heal in time. Bruises on the inside never do. I do believe they can be healed. But not with time. And they don't heal without facing the pain that put them there.
And I guess that is why it has been over 5 years since I have written a blog post and why I am going to start writing again. That and God told me to. ;) Bringing up all the buried pain is like ripping off a band-aid and exposing a dirty, infected wound. But what happens if I don't is a far worse consequence. I have read that in order to heal from trauma you have to feel your feelings. I have spent so much of my life trying to avoid them. So this will be new to me.
I wish I could say that was my only abusive relationship. My first ex-husband was an overt narcissist. But that's a whole other blog post. My second ex-husband, described above, is of the covert variety.
So over the past 5 years since my last blog, through all of the knock downs, unwanted revelations, sadness, failures, and more, I can say that I have become stronger, and I have grown through it. I am so much different than I was. I stand up for myself now. Leaving and divorcing him took an extreme amount of courage. I was totally dependent on him and I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. But I am making it. He laughed at me when I said I was leaving and said where will you go. I told him I would find a place. And I did. And I haven't in any time since not had a place. I learned to trust in God instead of men. And though it hasn't been a steady climb, and I have fallen more times than not, I have and always will get up.
I hope everyone is doing good. I am in the process of starting a blog on WordPress if anyone is interested. I will post the link on here as soon as I do. I actually go by my first name now. So it will be under the name Sarah.
Much love to everyone,
Sarah (Dianne)
Since then...
Life has knocked me down more than a few times. And it has definitely shown me things I never wanted to see. Sometimes the eyes only see what the eyes want to see. But a bitter reality can sure tear those blinders off in an instant. And once they are off you have no choice but to see what was in front of you all along. All of the little things my mind knew didn't make sense, but brushed aside because the knowledge of what was going on was just too painful for a heart that just wanted to love and be loved.
Once that revelation began was the day I met my ex-husband for the first time, the man behind the mask I thought I had known for the last 8 years. I had seen a glimpse of that person behind a crack here and there. But I didn't think it was really him. You know how you think... he must just be having a bad day, he didn't really mean it like that, or maybe I just took it the wrong way. Exactly what a narcissist wants you to think. He can in fact orchestrate those feelings in you before you realize what's going on. You become his puppet, a part of his show. He is the writer, producer, main character, the good guy, and sometimes even the villian. All others are extras. They aren't around for the whole play and don't see everything. They are just there when needed. In fact you aren't around when not needed either. He has a stand in ready to fill your shoes. If those shoes fit better you may be replaced. Leave the show before it's over and he will come up with a whole new script, in which he will play the victim of course. If you get a fingernail into one of those cracks in his mask and expose the evil face behind it, watch out. It's in that moment that you will find out just what he is capable of.
If you have found yourself involved with one of these people I would urge you to get away from him/her as soon as possible. What they are doing to you is abuse. Even if they don't lay a finger on you physically they are bruising up your heart and soul, which I believe is far more damaging. And even if you do think it is okay to stay as long as there is no physical violence... It took 8 years before my ex-husband left a physical bruise on me. And you know, when I think of the abuse he put me through, it usually isn't the physical violence my thoughts go to. It is the raised voice, demeaning tone, belittling remarks, lies, cheating, mind games, etc. All those come to mind before a bruise on the skin. Those always heal in time. Bruises on the inside never do. I do believe they can be healed. But not with time. And they don't heal without facing the pain that put them there.
And I guess that is why it has been over 5 years since I have written a blog post and why I am going to start writing again. That and God told me to. ;) Bringing up all the buried pain is like ripping off a band-aid and exposing a dirty, infected wound. But what happens if I don't is a far worse consequence. I have read that in order to heal from trauma you have to feel your feelings. I have spent so much of my life trying to avoid them. So this will be new to me.
I wish I could say that was my only abusive relationship. My first ex-husband was an overt narcissist. But that's a whole other blog post. My second ex-husband, described above, is of the covert variety.
So over the past 5 years since my last blog, through all of the knock downs, unwanted revelations, sadness, failures, and more, I can say that I have become stronger, and I have grown through it. I am so much different than I was. I stand up for myself now. Leaving and divorcing him took an extreme amount of courage. I was totally dependent on him and I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. But I am making it. He laughed at me when I said I was leaving and said where will you go. I told him I would find a place. And I did. And I haven't in any time since not had a place. I learned to trust in God instead of men. And though it hasn't been a steady climb, and I have fallen more times than not, I have and always will get up.
I hope everyone is doing good. I am in the process of starting a blog on WordPress if anyone is interested. I will post the link on here as soon as I do. I actually go by my first name now. So it will be under the name Sarah.
Much love to everyone,
Sarah (Dianne)
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